How Flirt With A Guy: 9 Tips To Make Him Uncontrollably Attracted To You
From the first time you meet to the last moment with spend with your beloved, flirting is a crucial tool to express interest and attraction. Although it might seem clumsy and cumbersome at times, flirting actual fills a pivotal role, and humans have evolved to do it. Don’t worry if it doesn’t come naturally to you, however. You’ll learn with everything you need to know about flirting with guys in this article.
What Holds You Back From Flirting
Listen, you’re not alone if you feel intimidated by flirting — and by the guys who catch your eye. Not everyone is a natural born flirt. There are plenty of reasons why you might be hesitant to flirt.
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- You’re introverted.
- You have low self-confidence.
- You’ve been rejected in the past.
- Someone made fun of you when you tried to flirt.
- You don’t think you’re attractive.
- You’re unsure what to say to a near-stranger.
- You don’t want to look dumb.
- You’re nervous.
- It’s hard for you to tell when someone is flirting with you.
Remember that even the most experienced flirter becomes nervous sometimes. Plus, if he’s into you, he may be feeling some of these same things. He’s only human, too.
Lots of people struggle with flirting. It can be coy. It’s subtle and even mysterious .
Being a little vulnerable can be something you bond over. The two of you can even laugh about your nervous jitters, and if things go well, you can laugh about the way you met in the future!
And even if he doesn’t feel the same?
You haven’t lost anything. You’re no worse off than you were before you put yourself out there. In fact, you can congratulate yourself for doing so and learn a lesson in the process.
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Another thing that can hold you back from flirting? You don’t think you need to do it because you’re in a relationship with this guy already.
A lot of women get flirting wrong. You shouldn’t use flirting only to meet the guy of your dreams.
You need to use it to keep him.
Flirting should never stop in your relationship (even when you’re 60 years old)…unless you want to lose your man.
Read any website, book or magazine on dating/relationships, and they will all say the same thing: You need to flirt with guys if you want to attract their attention.
It’s totally true. Flirting is a great way to have fun with a guy and attract him. But just because you used flirting to attract him doesn’t mean that you should forget about it now that you have started a relationship with him.
You should be flirting with him to some degree every day of your relationship.
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A BreakDown of Flirting
We’ll break down individual aspects of the stages of flirting below. Here’s a quick rundown if you’re absolutely unsure of how to flirt!
- You Spot Him: And you think he’s good looking. Perhaps he’s at the same bar or party as you. A mutual friend might even make an introduction.
- There’s Eye Contact: If he holds your gaze, it’s a good sign that he’s down to flirt as eye contact conveys liking and preference . A smile is even better! At this point, you can use flirtatious body language such as licking or biting your lip, playing with your hair, or touching a part of your body with your hand. Consider sending him a refill on his drink.
- One of You Closes the Distance: You’ll need to be within earshot if you want to flirt with him verbally (although, that may not always be the goal!). If you’ve just been introduced to him, all you need to do is keep the conversation going. You might be brave enough to approach him, and this is a great tactic to show your interest. However, you can use the excuse of getting a drink at the bar, getting a closer look at art near him, or even taking a seat close to him.
- Start the Conversation: This is where you comment on something about the shared venue or his person specifically. At this point, you don’t know much about him, so your topics may be limited. The key is to comment on commonalities in an engaging way, not a boring one. You could also be a little random and state a piece of trivia or joke, but that could go wrong if it comes off too weird.
- Flirt, Flirt, Flirt: Use body language and words to convey an interest in this person.
- Gauge His Interest: Is he reciprocating? Can you be a bit more emboldened? Does he seem bored? If so, switch up the conversation.
- Exchange Digits: If your goal is to contact him after this event, you’ll eventually need to exchange contact information. Doing so can feel like a big deal, but remember that many men enjoy when women take the initiative in these situations. If he’s shown any interest, he’ll likely agree to exchange information. Although, he may inform you if he’s not single.
- Know When to Leave: If the conversation isn’t going well, you might simply smile, say goodbye, and move on. Not every interaction will be a hit. There’s actually strength in knowing when to call things. If the interaction is going well and you’re flirting with a guy who enjoys you, you can always leave him wanting more. Perhaps move to a different part of the bar or party and flirtily say “I’ll be over there if you want me.” You can do this after you exchange numbers or before if you really want to leave him on the hook. This is risky, but if you have a mutual friend, they may be able to provide you with the information of the guy you were flirting with (or vice versa).
It might not seem like it, but leaving the conversation is sometimes the most important part of flirting. Overstaying your welcome can turn a positive interaction into a negative or boring one. Yet you don’t want to run away, either. Look for a natural lull in the conversation. Leave this guy on a positive note, even if he didn’t seem interested or chatted a bit but didn’t want to exchange numbers.
This leads us to our next point.
Know When to Flirt
Some situations are more conducive to flirting than others. You might be able to flirt a bit in the workplace, but you should be aware of your roles and never flirt with a subordinate . Realize that your actions may come off as harassment even if you intend to be flirtatious .
If he’s paid to be friendly, and you’re a customer, he’s probably doing his job, not flirting back. It can be difficult to tell the difference between friendliness and flirting .
Related: How to Tell if a Coworker Likes You
If it’s after hours and you’re at a bar or party, it’s probably a good time to strike up a conversation. He might be especially receptive to talking and flirting if he’s alone.
Be aware that he could be waiting for someone, however.
Also check to make sure he is not occupied with other people or activities. Shoving your way in can seem rude or obnoxious. However, if you can flirtatiously ask his friend to introduce you to this guy or say something as bold as “I just had to figure out who you are/what you’re about,” you might earn yourself some points.
What Works When Flirting With Guys
Want to know how to flirt with a guy? Below, you’ll find some pretty foolproof tips. Looking for more specific techniques? Check out these flirting tips.
1. Compete With Him… A Little
A little competition can be good when you’re learning how to flirt with a guy. First, it can show off your fun side and be enjoyable. Secondly, it gives you something to focus on (whatever the competition is) and can get you out of your head.
Plus, a little competition makes your heart beat faster. It’s exhilarating – like a rollercoaster or, you know, flirting!
There’s a reason why people recommend first-date activities that will get your heart pumping: the hormones involved makes you feel a bit euphoric, just like falling in love. It’s fantastic when a guy associates that with you.
Remember, too, that many men are a bit competitive, so they just can’t resist the urge! And if you’re a skillful challenger, he’ll work that much hard to beat you, and you may just earn his respect in the process.
2. Balance Compliments with Teasing
The easiest type of flirting is lightly teasing your man.
Just like competing with a guy shows him that you’re capable of holding your own, teasing lets him know that you’re not so intimidated by him (even if you really are). You retain some of the power, which can make flirting with someone less nerve-wracking. Feeling like you have control is also a difference between flirting and sexual harassment .
You want to make sure to find the balance between teasing and complimenting him, however. Let him know that you’re interested but also that you won’t take his crap. Keep the teasing friendly, not cruel. Cruel comments come off as backhanded compliments.
Your goal is not to offend your man, it’s to get a reaction out of him.
So to tease your man, you could say something like:
- Cool shoes, your mom always gets you the best clothes. Just remember to have a devilish smile when you say it!
- The next time he says some well-known catchphrase or line, you could say: “Wow, I didn’t know people still say that. What age are you again?”
Get more tips like these in the guide to teasing your man.
Remember to have a cheeky smile as you tease him so that he knows you are flirting and not actually being mean.
By the way, if you’re looking for ways to compliment a guy, you have to read this.
3. Find Out Your Flirting Style
You might have read books such as the 5 Love Languages. Well, someone wrote a book like that specifically about flirting styles, called The Five Flirting Styles. In fact, the author is a professor of communication named Jeffrey Hall, so chances are good he knows what he’s talking about!
Hall suggests the five flirting styles are:
- Physical: You tend to touch people playfully, perhaps on the arm, shoulder, chest, or even face. Your body language may say more than your mouth does. Because of this, you’re not overly concerned if you’re in a crowded room where it’s difficult to hear someone else. For example, covering your face could convey coyness. But be careful, it could also show that you’re hesitant .
- Traditional: You’d prefer a man to make the first move and perhaps do things such as pay for dates. Your flirting tends to be more demure after a guy takes the first move.
- Polite: You don’t know this person well, so you’re polite even when you’re trying to flirt with him! You don’t use crude language, say anything too revealing, or invade his personal space.
- Sincere: What you see is what you get. You want to connect in a real way and open up to do so. There is no fake laughter here. You focus on your flirting partner.
- Playful: You like to flirt for the sake of flirting and may do so with someone even if you’re not really interested in him. Because of this, you may flirt a little bigger — more touches and less inhibited words. It’s pretty easy to tell when you’re flirting.
You might recognize yourself in these styles. Or you can take the quiz in the Resources section below to see which fits you best.
Understanding your flirting style can help to explain why someone may not pick up on your cues when you’re flirting with him. Or it may show why you have issues flirting with a guy if his style is very different or if he prefers something else from a woman when he’s flirting.
Flirting styles can also differ between straight and gay people , so keep this in mind if you’re trying to flirt with another woman rather than flirt with a man!
4. Be A Flirtier Version Of Yourself, Not Someone Else
Sometimes, when you focus on how to flirt with a guy or even how to be sexy, you wind up imitating someone else entirely. And it comes off as pretty awkward. And you’ll be too busy trying to act to have any fun.
The key to flirting with your guy? Just be a flirtier version of yourself.
Otherwise, you risk not being taken seriously .
Amp up the smiles, the laughter, the touching, the energy, the extroversion. Intensify those traits in yourself. Low energy correlates with low flirtation activities and attractiveness  Don’t try to be someone else.
5. Touch Him
Physically flirting with a man takes many forms. It’s fun and can also be really powerful, whether you want to just have fun with him or you want to turn him on. In fact, it’s one of the most effective ways to flirt with a guy  whereas women prefer a man whose flirting suggests emotional commitment .
So how can I physically flirt with my man? Could you give me some examples?
No problem, here are tons of examples…
Tapping Your Man On The Wrong Shoulder – This one is really childish. But it works really well. If you’ve never actually done it yourself, then most likely you have had it done to you by someone else.
All you need to do is sneak up behind your man. Then when you are behind him, move slightly to the left of him and at the same time tap him on his right shoulder. He will then turn to his right and see nobody and will recognize that someone is messing with him.
Then when he turns back to you, all you need to do is smile.
Hand Is Bigger Than Your Face – You may have heard of this one before. During conversation tell him that you recently read that if your hand is bigger than your face, you are three times more likely to get cancer.
If he has never heard of this one, he will put his hand to his face to check. As he does, lightly push his hand towards his face and say, ‘Gotcha!’
It’s a little embarrassing for your man, but a really good way of physically flirting with him.
Something On Your Sweater – Everyone, everywhere has heard of this one, yet he will still fall for it. Look towards his sweater and then point to it. Then tell him he has something on it. As he looks down, move your hand upwards and give him a gentle flick on the nose.
Don’t forget a cheeky smile!
Your Shoes Are Untied – This is similar to the others above. Tell your man that his shoes are untied. This is especially funny if he is wearing shoes with no laces!
All of these examples are quite childish. But the fact is that they work.
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6. Make It Personal
Have you ever flirted with someone only to realize that they have a dedicated template for flirting?
It doesn’t matter who you are, as much as you’re someone to flirt with and maybe take home for the night. Now, that’s all well and good if you’re both playful flirters (see flirting styles above). But it can feel disingenuous if your flirting style is sincere or if you’re looking to make a real human connection.
While you can have a few lines/icebreakers or a general approach to flirting, you want to avoid making it obvious that you’re working from a template. First, if your conversation derails, you might not know how to proceed.
Try this, instead: focus on him. Pick up something about his appearance, his friends, his demeanor, or even his drink that you can discuss. Ask him questions and refer to answers as the conversation progresses. This shows you care enough to listen, but it also means you don’t have to rely as much on scripts you developed beforehand.
7. Get a Little Dirty
A whole section of The Bad Girls Bible is devoted to talking dirty to your man.
Flirting by talking dirty to your man is different to flirting by teasing him. When you talk dirty to your man, you are almost always trying to turn him on or get him thinking about you when you are not around.
Now, if you’re looking for a relationship and not just sex (although, casual sex is totally okay), then you may not want to get too dirty. Similarly, you might not be comfortable talking with a guy who you don’t know very well like that. But hinting at your naughty side can definitely get a guy’s attention.
If you want a masterclass on how to talk dirty to your man, make sure to check out the dirty talking tutorial video.
8. Keep the Conversation Going
One crucial skill to flirting is to be able to keep the conversation going naturally. This is actually harder than it may sound, especially if you struggle to talk to strangers or want to fill every gap (sometimes silence can be comfortable and welcomed).
You don’t want to chat his ear off or prevent him from getting his own words in.
One thing to do is to comment on something he said previously, which keeps the conversation open.
Another tip: avoid questions that can be answered with “Yes” or “No.”
If you keep the question more open, the person you’re flirting with will have to elaborate and give you more to work with. It’s the difference between
Do you have any siblings?
Tell me about your family..
The first one may be answered with a “Yes” and a little bit of explanation. But if this guy has no siblings, you might be stuck at a standstill. With the second example, he might not have any siblings, but he may be close with other family members or have a funny story involving his grandfather.
You might also get bonus points for showing your interest in this guy as you flirt!
There are a few posts on the Bad Girls Bible that offer more advice:
Of course, this can be applied to conversations with anyone in your life to make you a better communicator.
9. Have Fun
If you’re not so naturally social or great at flirting, the idea that flirting can be fun might seem counterintuitive. However, it absolutely can be. While it’s easy to get caught up in your head examining the interaction, try not to do that.
Instead, focus on how fun it can be to interact with someone in a flirty manner, to step outside your comfort zone, and show off a bit.
What to Avoid When Flirting With a Guy
Don’t go into the interaction with a running list of “Do nots” in your head. You’ll only focus on what you shouldn’t do when flirting, and this could lead you to do exactly those things. But you still need to know what you shouldn’t do when flirting.
- Don’t be too negative – keep things lighthearted and upbeat
- Don’t overindulge – let him wonder about you a little
- Don’t discuss exes – this is definitely saying too much
- Don’t cut yourself down – put on a confident air even if you don’t feel it
- Don’t dwell on it, if it goes poorly – there’s always next time
Is He Flirting Back?
The easiest way to tell if you’ve done a good job flirting with a guy is to look for signs that he’s flirting back. So if he’s smiling, laughing, teasing, and playing along, it’s a good thing.
Related: 13 Ways to Tell If a Guy Is Flirting With You
Another thing to check out is his body language. If he’s facing you, seems open, and leans in, chances that he’s flirting back – and possibly into you, too – are good ! But if he’s distant or aloof, he might not be into it.
Learn about body language and how it can help you tell what he’s thinking.
Your friends might also be able to tell you if he’s flirting with you. Go easy on yourself if you struggle to tell when someone is flirting. Men are a little better at estimating when women flirt than women are with men .
Once you’ve determined he is flirting back, it might be time to give him your number!
Remember that he might be flirting back, but he may not be interested. Flirting may be driven by different motivations . His flirting style could just be playful, and it might be fun. Allow yourself to enjoy the interaction without placing too much emphasis on it.
Find out how to tell if a guy likes you.
Take It to Text
Got his number? Go you! He’s definitely interested in something.
Now’s the time to flirt over text. Flirting over text is a little different because you lack body language cues, both his and your own. But it can be tons of fun. And you can add elements such as photos, videos, voice clips, emojis and more.
You can check out this post to learn how to flirt with a guy over text.
These flirty text messages can also spice up your conversation.
It’s a good sign if he replies right away, but remember that he might be busy with something else.
What If He’s Not Interested?
Sometimes it can seem like a guy isn’t interested when he actually is. This could be a case of him being too shy or intimidated by you to reciprocate. It might also be that he just hasn’t picked up on your flirting cues. You might be too coy with your flirting.
Or he might have a difficult time responding or reading you because he’s on the autism spectrum, which prevents some people from developing flirting abilities . This could even make him react with anger to your attempts to flirt .
You might just have to bite the bullet and let a guy know that you like him or are attracted to him rather than just flirting with him. You can also be direct by asking him out.
How to Deal with Rejection
Sometimes you’ll put yourself out there and be shut down hard. A guy might straight up ignore you or say something cruel. Or he may just be more direct than you would as a woman because women tend to reject more politely .
The only thing you can do is walk away and hold your head high. If you’re in the mood to do so (and in the right venue), send him a drink. Tip yours to him from across the bar. It’s a classy power move.
What you don’t want to do is to let it be known that you’re completely crestfallen. A smile and a poker face will do you well here. It’s easier to do this when you try not to get your hopes up too much. This conversation might go well, but it’s probably not going to lead to marriage. Don’t rest your every hope on it!
You can also thank him for his time as you leave. Remain kind and run, not petty.
Remember that this rejection may not be a reflection of you . He could be in a relationship, gay, or simply not looking for someone.
Your Performance Review
You’ve stepped up and tried to flirt with someone. Maybe it went well and you exchanged numbers. Or you got his contact information but it was rocky in between. Perhaps it didn’t go so well at all.
Go back over your interaction, not with the intent of berating yourself, but with a curious eye.
What didn’t work?
What did work? (Add those tips to your arsenal).
You can ask friends who may have witnessed the encounter for their advice, too.
But if it didn’t go well, don’t dwell too much. Sometimes things don’t go the way we want, and the only thing you can do it to grin and bear it. Take it as a learning experience. You’re no worse off than before you put yourself out there to flirt. This is precisely why we recommend you simply get out there and just do it!
Flirting can seem daunting if you’re inexperienced or especially shy or sensitive. The key is to have fun without overthinking it. If you can manage not to be self-conscious, you can enjoy flirting and maybe even progress to the next step with someone.
The Flirting Styles Inventory helps you determine your flirting style. Check out the book that goes with it.
If you prefer a book, you can read the Secret Rules of Flirting, which offers help with reading body language, or Flirt Fearlessly, an easy read that walks you through flirting step-by-step.
Frequently Asked Questions
FAQ #1 – Why do I feel so awkward flirting?
Rest assured you’re not alone in this. Flirting comes naturally to some people but not everyone, and you might be surprised how many people are “faking it ’til they make it.”
What makes flirting so awkward?
First, you need to be social, and that’s easier for some people than others. Plus, flirting means you need to be vulnerable to put yourself out there. Flirting generally indicates you’re attracted to and interested in a person. If you’re afraid to let that be known, flirting will definitely be awkward.
You can see why flirting might make someone who is shy, introverted, or even lacking in self-confidence feel uncomfortable. However, you’ll probably get better at flirting the more you do it.
FAQ #2 – How do I make sure I don’t look dumb when I flirt?
This thought is due to some of the anxieties listed above. You have to be open and social when flirting, and you’re doing it with someone you probably don’t know very well. You don’t want to make a misstep or come off as desperate.
Like we said before, practice makes perfect. The more you flirt, the more comfortable you’ll feel doing it (and the more smoothly you’ll be at it) and the less concerned you’ll be with how you look. Practice can also help you find your flirting style.
One thing you can do is to practice flirting on “safe” people. This could mean friends or people you’re not interested in, so you won’t be intimidated by their looks or overwhelmed by your feelings.
However, it still helps to remind yourself that the worst possible scenario is you look a little silly in front of someone. And looking silly has never killed anyone, so try not to worry about that!
FAQ #3- How can I tell if someone is into my flirting?
An easy way to tell if someone is into your flirting or even if they can tell you’re flirting with them is to look for flirting back. If they’re talking, smiling, teasing, or even touching you, this is a pretty good sign. On the other hand, if they’re dismissive, short, or aloof with you, it’s probably a sign for you to move on.
Body language can also be helpful to determine if someone is flirting with you. Is he leaning in close? Do his feet point toward you? Does he mirror anything you’re doing? Are his arms and hands open? These are positive signs .
Or is he turned away with arms closed over his chest?
Of course, some people are just harder to read than others.
Enlist the aid of a friend who can watch the interaction from across the room/bar to provide feedback. Sometimes other people can tell when someone is into you better than you can!
FAQ #4 – Is flirting with a shy guy different?
Kind of. It might be harder to tell if he likes you flirting with him simply because he’s shy and unlikely to flirt a lot in response. He may be totally into it — he just doesn’t know how to respond.
Read More: How to Tell If A Shy Guy Likes You
He may not know how to recognize that you’re flirting with him, either. Sometimes it helps to be a little more obvious with your flirting if you suspect someone isn’t good at reading those cues, which may be the case with someone who is shy or someone who is on the Autism spectrum.
FAQ #5 – What should I avoid when flirting?
First and foremost, flirting should be fun. Make sure you enjoy yourself and keep it light-hearted. Now isn’t the time to be super serious. Nor do you want to say anything too negative. Although you can be a bit self-deprecating to get a laugh, you want to come off as confident overall.
This is key to seducing a man. More seduction tips.
Avoid looking too desperate or clingy.
Don’t talk about the far future (marriage, kids, etc.) when talking to a near-stranger!
You also don’t want to go over the top when you’re flirting with a guy. Don’t try to be someone else; just be a flirtier version of yourself!
Sometimes you just have to fake it until you make it. Pretend to be confident and cavalier when you flirt with him. Eventually, it will come easier!
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Lisa has a Masters of Education (M.Ed.) in Human Sexuality from Widener University's Center for Human Sexuality Studies. She is continuing her studies at the University as a doctoral candidate. Lisa is a member of the American Association of Sexuality Educators Counselors and Therapist (ASSECT). She has guest taught human sexuality at several universities including Montclair State, Kean University, and Borough of Manhattan Community College.
Lisa's passion for the field is rooted in her belief that all human beings should understand what healthy sex is, regardless of culture, body or ability.
Her particular areas of expertise focus on: desire in long-term relationship, the intersection of technology and sexuality and its affect on individuals and couples, body image and its influence on sexuality, the impact of the past on single people in America, and modern (online) dating. Her research focuses on marriage from antiquity to present day, modern romance and contemporary dating websites.